


Graceland, Too

by penceypansy



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Ian Gallagher Loves Mickey Milkovich, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by a Phoebe Bridgers Song, M/M, Married Couple, Post-Season/Series 10, Season/Series 11, but its not a big thing, ian is reflecting on the past, its bittersweet but not too sad, mentions of ians bipolar but no real details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:13:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penceypansy/pseuds/penceypansy
Summary: “I know we lived through it to get to this moment,” Mickey whispers, still smiling at him softly, and it doesn’t really make sense except it’s the truest thing in the world to Ian in that moment. He wonders if they’re so in sync that Mickey can read his mind, or if he’d been saying things out loud, or if Mickey had just been letting himself remember it all too whilst he felt safe and far enough away from it all. It didn’t matter, they were here now, together.Or: so much has changed in the last decade and Ian reflects on the good and bad, hand in hand with his husband, under the full moon.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	Graceland, Too

**Author's Note:**

> Had some feeling while listening to Graceland, Too so this is inspired by the second verse (also the first verse is so Ian during his baby snatching meltdown but I dont want to write about that).  
> I love Mickey Milkovich with my whole heart and at times I've felt like Ian doesn't deserve him but I think married Ian finally realises how good he's got it. 
> 
> Comments mean so much to me, so please leave some feedback.
> 
> Enjoy!

"

So we took what was left of our serotonin  
To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon  
She said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment  
Ate a sleeve of saltines on my porch and I knew  
I would do anything you want me to  
I would do anything for you  
I would do anything, I would do anything  
Whatever you want me to do, I will do

"

So much has changed in close to a decade, it’s hard to believe it sometimes. If someone had told 16 year old Ian that he’s be here now, life the way it was, he’d probably not want to make it. On paper it was nothing, he’d achieved his dreams and lost them just as quick. There was no plan other than the army and that went up in smoke, being an EMT was something he never knew he wanted but it was almost even better. That went up in smoke too. Sometimes he thinks it’s him that’s flammable, a sick joke from God about the colour of his hair or something. He worries that he might set fire to the pillows at night, take the whole house with him, leave the whole of Chicago in flames. Seemed like he’s done it before.

At 16 he thought they’d all probably die without Fiona. Now she’s on the other side of the country probably not thinking about him. Monica is gone for good, something that still doesn’t feel real, no amount of mania can drive her back from the grave to bang down their door. Its all so different, the changes happened gradually but they still feel like a shock sometimes. But it’s not just been people leaving. The family has grown too, opened its arms welcomed new members. Liam hasn’t been the baby of the family for years and now neither is Franny. He’s an uncle now before he’s a brother, the kids he used to take care of can handle themselves now and there’s new mouths to feed. And there’s Mickey too, a permanent feature in the house now for the first time, both by law and by love. 

He’s sat beside Ian on the porch as they watch the moon, full and high, overhead. A few hours ago they’d swallowed pills Mickey had procured from somewhere, Ian didn’t ask, and they were beginning to feel good. He probably shouldn’t, but then he wasn’t supposed to drink either and he did that so who cares. He’s been stable on his meds for months now, finally having found a balance that didn’t leave him crazy or numb so one wild night wouldn’t set him back too far. 

He felt nice. The air was warm enough that he could sit in just his tshirt and enjoy the slight breeze on the clear summer’s night. It seemed to cling to his skin but not in a suffocating way, just wrapping him up in a gentle cocoon. He should probably have brought some gum, can feel his jaw starting to work of its own accord but not like the times he lost control of his body during his time at the clubs. He didn’t feel frantic or on edge now. He just felt nice, contemplative in a way that he normally repressed but tonight he felt detached enough to let his mind wander.

Mickey sighs beside him and he wants to touch him, so he does, carding his fingers through his husband’s hair until he turns to look at Ian. He looks how Ian feels, calm, thin rings of blue around blown pupils. Mickey pulls Ian’s hand out of his hair and intertwines their fingers, holding both hands in his lap.

“What are you thinking about?” Ian wants to know.

Mickey gives a small smile, “My dad.” He doesn’t look sad, he looks peaceful.

Ian normally hated thinking about Terry. When he passed him in public a few times he’d almost blacked out with rage. Sometimes he dreamt about him. In the dreams he’s a teenager again and Terry has a gun and Ian is scared. He’s scared that Terry will kill him and he’s scared that Terry will kill Mickey and let him live. Instead he watches Terry beat Mickey into unconsciousness and watches Mickey underneath a woman he doesn’t want. He remembers praying to God that if Mickey survived his dad he’d do anything, turn his whole life around. But Mickey does survive, and Ian doesn’t change. Maybe what came next was punishment for Ian breaking his promise. Regardless, he’s not a teenager anymore and he’s not scared of Terry. 

When he wakes up from those dreams he remembers how old he’d thought Mickey was at the time, how much more streetwise and brave he was than Ian. Looking back on it now Mickey was a child and he was raped at the hands of his father, groomed into a life of crime, and set up to fail, no two ways about it. Terry had got away with it and Mickey didn’t talk about it. Terry had gotten away with plenty more with Mandy, and Ian would never forgive him for taking her away from him too. After he’d stopped Mickey going after Terry for burning down the wedding venue, Ian had realised- this was growing up. He’d have given anything to watch Terry die years earlier, now he’d give anything except Mickey ending up in prison. The best revenge was Mickey being happy.

And Ian knows he hadn’t made Mickey happy. Too many times he’d intentionally tried to hurt Mickey and he knows that Mickey had never tried to hurt him, not emotionally, which was what counted. Ian thinks that he might be a bad person. When he was in one of his downward spirals he knew he was bad, that he worried everyone around him and made them feel equally as helpless as he did. When he was riding high he was bad too. He’d set fires that he could never put out and he knows that. The times that he can’t face himself in the mirror he doesn’t understand how Mickey can be near him, lie beside him, touch him, after everything he’d done. The times he’s tried to set Mickey free had made it worse and after Mickey had explained it, explained that he can handle every mess that Ian makes as long as Ian sticks around for them handle it together, he’d agreed to let Mickey stay in his life until Mickey chose to leave. And Mickey had married him instead.

Fiona and Lip had always thought Monica was a bad person, Ian knows that. Even though they must have loved her once, eventually there were just too many bad things that the good couldn’t make up for. Sometimes it was hard not to think that he was bad like her. They both hurt people they were supposed to love, they both took risks that blew up in their faces and they both needed each other to feel like someone else in the world understood them. The special thing about Monica was her lack of remorse, that was the one thing that had made even Ian stop and look at her sometimes. He thinks that that was the thing that became the last straw for his siblings, to know that even when she was stable enough to feel normal, she never felt bad enough for the destruction she’d caused. That was the thing that Ian held onto. When it had been hard to look Mickey, Debbie, Lip, even himself, in the eyes over the years when he levelled out enough to grasp whatever thing he’s done to scare or hurt them, he held onto that. The shame. It was what made him believe that there was good in him somewhere. Bad people are shameless, and that was one thing that Ian was definitely not. He had enough shame for the both of them. 

Besides, he couldn’t be Monica. Because that would make Mickey Frank, and he was the furthest thing from that man. He was the one who was left behind, the one who was always ready to forgive and forget any mania induced madness, but that was where the similarities ended. Mickey was hardworking, scheming yes, but selflessly. He wanted to be comfortable in the most mundane modest ways and he wanted the same for the people he loved. Ian knows that he’d cared about Yev, tried for years to push past the memories triggered every time Svet walked into the room carrying him. But it was too much in the end and Ian couldn’t blame him. 

He’d taken a minute to accept himself all those years ago and Ian had taken that personally in a way that a selfish teenager would. Why wouldn’t Mickey want to be with him and everybody to know it? Never imagined that whilst Ian was feeling invincible, older men lusting after him and his army dreams in sight, Mickey was wrestling with self hatred. The kind of self hatred that comes from the insecurity of having never been loved. And that was the difference between their two equally as dysfunctional families. The Gallagher household had been a place of tension, bloody noses, and screaming matches, just as the Milkovich house had been, but the Gallaghers loved each other to death. They both grew up without a mom, but Fiona had given her life to make sure that Ian and their siblings didn’t feel that loss. They both might as well have grow up without a father, but Frank was a lousy, lazy drunk – Terry was a monster. 

And so Ian often didn’t understand how Mickey had come to be the way he is. He never complained about the cards he’s been dealt, he’d even shouldered Ian’s burden too over the years, never complaining. 

They’ve probably been staring at each other for a while, but it doesn’t really matter. Ian can feel their hands pulsating where their palms are connected, and he can’t tell whose heartbeat it is. He just squeezes their fingers together, wedding ring digging into his skin.

“I know we lived through it to get to this moment,” Mickey whispers, still smiling at him softly, and it doesn’t really make sense except it’s the truest thing in the world to Ian in that moment. He wonders if they’re so in sync that Mickey can read his mind or if he’d been saying things out loud, or if Mickey had just been letting himself remember it all too whilst he felt safe and far enough away from it all. It didn’t matter, they were here now, together.

All those times Ian had left him, Mickey was always waiting in the wings, ready to re-enter Ian’s life when he needed him most. Ian definitely doesn’t deserve it but if Mickey is stupid enough to give him another chance then he’s not blowing this one. In the morning they’ll argue again over who gets to shower first and probably again about where they’re going to live, who’s going to pay the bills this month, and why the gun under their bed had to go. And they could fight, Ian actually found it weirdly comforting after all this time. What was different now was that Mickey was staying around for good, and that meant that Ian had to be the one to start giving some of the chances he’d been given over the years back. He’d spent too long taking matters into his own hands and telling Mickey what he thought was best for them at the time. But now it really was Mickey’s turn, safe and loved at last, in the Gallagher house. Whatever Mickey wanted, whatever he wanted that’s what Ian would do.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the result of my emo hours.
> 
> Please leave a comment :)
> 
> Tumblr is suckangelsdry


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